Birds and Bees' more like 'Please Don't Do It'
by Jade the Silver Princess
Summary: Sighing, Sirius leaned back in his chair and looked out of the window to see nothing else but freaking birds.


**A/N:** **I own nothing you can recognize!**

 **I am Jade, seeker for Appleby Arrows.**

 **Round 8: The Wonderful World of Head Canon**

 **Do you remember when we asked for a head canon from each team member? Well, this is the round we are using it in. But we aren't just sharing it with your team or your opposing team, like you might have thought – we are sharing it with the whole league. Meaning anybody could get your head canon (someone in your team, someone in your opposing team, someone you don't know, or if you're lucky, maybe even yourself.) Everything has been randomly generated and will be PM'd to the first person to post in this thread. We will distribute in groups of 8 in the order of teams replied to this thread (one person from each team post here with your team's name). Your prompts MUST be used in the order received (eg. Captain will use the first one, Keeper the 2nd and so on). Good luck and have fun!**

 **SEEKER: [Chaser 1, NeonDomino, Harpies]-[The most traumatic moment of Sirius' life was when Walburga told him about 'the birds and the bees'.]**

 **I used Skillet's Last night for this.**

 **Word count without lyrics and A/N:** **935**

' **Birds and Bees' more like 'Please Don't Do It'**

" _"The Birds and the Bees" is an English-language idiomatic expression and euphemism that refers to courtship and sexual intercourse. The "Birds and the Bees talk", sometimes known simply as "The Talk", is generally the event in most children's lives in which the parents explain what sexual relationships are._

 _According to tradition, the birds and the bees is a metaphorical story sometimes told to children in an attempt to explain the mechanics and good consequences of sexual intercourse through reference to easily observed natural events. For instance, bees carry and deposit pollen into flowers, a visible and easy-to-explain parallel to male fertilisation. Another example, birds lay eggs, a similarly visible and easy-to-explain parallel to female ovulation._

 _I will not be doing it that way Sirius. No matter what schools or any other party say, it should be left to a parent to explain it in a way that they understand. How can they expect us, Purebloods, to do it the muggle way? It is outrageous, I am telling you..."_

Sirius is fifteen and the Blacks got a letter from Hogwarts to explain to their son about Hogwarts as he is considered a teenager now. Walburga flipped after she read 'The Birds and Bees' and ranted for an hour while Sirius patiently waited for his _Mother_ to do it. It is a good thing that Mr. Potter explained it last summer 'cause Sirius is pretty sure that his mother will make this one of his worst experiences.

After Walburga finally calmed down she said, "Now Sirius, I am going to explain what happens during sex."

Sirius saw her malicious smile and only nodded, already fearing for his sanity.

"We will start at the beginning of it all and that is what happens during one menstruation cycle, after that it will be about what happens inside a male's body and then we will cover the actual _sex._ "

Sirius was trying not to fall asleep and pretend that he was listening but all that he could hear was _blood, pain_ and _tearing apart._ He did not know if it was just him but it seemed as if his mother was trying to make him picture sex as necessarily evil. He might just ask her about this.

"Mum, if menstrual cycle is so bloody then why don't you just fry your eggs? It was eggs, wasn't it?"

"Do not interrupt me Sirius!" his mother shouted, apparently not even listening to his question.

His mother had been droning on and on about what happens to female bodies that Sirius started imagining her slowly becoming a bird. Her words sounded to him as squak, squak or something like that.

When it seemed that she had finally finished she started talking about moods or was it mental disorders - Sirius wasn't very sure about it. Upon realising that she was still going on and on about females he returned to his imagination and started picturing his mother as a _very_ loud bird.

"Now, about males-" his mother started and he could not be happier. Finally they had reached a topic that would perhaps be a bit more interesting. But again, all he could hear was _exploding, water,_ and _dirty_ \- was his mother talking about water balloons?

Immediately, the picture of Professor McGonagall being attacked with many water balloons flashed before his eyes. Sirius would have to buy Peeves a couple more of those. He really did a lot of good things with them.

An hour later, Sirius returned from the dreamy part of his mind and realized that his mother was _still_ talking about males and hadn't gotten any closer to the topic that was sex. Sometimes he really hated his life.

He knew that his mother was into torture but he _really_ did not have to know about all positions that could be used for sex inside his mind. What was she thinking? Surly all these ideas that she was trying to bring across would turn his mind into a vegetable! Did she really think that something like this would make him like Dark Arts and torture? That woman was insane.

' _Five hours passed and she was still droning on. How can she do that? I even started talking about how I want to have sex with Filch and she did not react, for Merlin's sake! I am disappointed,_ ' Sirius' thought when he realized his mother had yet to stop talking.

 _Three hours later_

' _Maybe if I start singing she will stop? A muggle song that Evans girl talked about perhaps?'_ Sirius thought lamely but still started singing.

"You come to me with scars on your wrist  
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this  
I just came to say goodbye  
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine  
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone  
Look me in the eyes so I know you know  
I'm everywhere you want me to be.  
The last night you'll spend alone,  
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,  
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything's your fault  
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all  
I'm so sick of when they say  
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine  
But I know it's a lie.

The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong  
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on  
Tonight,  
Tonight.

I won't let you say goodbye,  
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,  
Away from me."

He sang the entire song and even went so far to try and sound like a woman, but nothing - no matter how hard he tried - his mother wouldn't stop talking.

Sighing, Sirius leaned back in his chair and looked out of the window to see nothing else but freaking birds.

 **The End**


End file.
